Need more confidence on dates? Click here to learn more. Are flirting and socializing not your thing? Do you dread mixers, speed dating, and loud clubs with banging dance music? Being single can be hard enough some days as you watch your friends march down the aisle, or scroll through endless engagement and baby photos on Facebook. Once the stomping ground of weirdos and expats, the meet up scene has expanded and improved dramatically. Meet up groups have popped up globally in every city.
You can do a lot to clear up your uncertainties by educating yourself on the issue. You can also get a better sense of where they're coming from, and what things are like from their end. You can do some reading to get an overall background on the situation.
I think this site is a detailed resource on the social struggles people can go through, and how they can think about them. Everyone is different, so going through general information may not give you insight into every little thing your partner does or is going through, but it should help. If your husband has been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome, you can read some books and websites that describe the symptoms, and what it's like to live with the communication difficulties it causes.
You could also find firsthand accounts by people who have it themselves. If your partner is shy, you could check out books and sites on that. If they identify as an introvert, there are plenty of sources that describe what it's like to live in a world that's geared more towards more extroverted values. The second important way you can educate yourself and clear up any misunderstandings is to talk to your partner and hear things from their perspective. This can be a conversation that will really bring you closer together as a couple.
Ask them what things are like for them, and then listen in an open, non-judgmental way. Often we unthinkingly make assumptions about why other people act the way they do, and can be surprised when we learn what's really going through their heads.
For example, you may think someone talks too much because they're selfish and attention starved, but they really do it because they get nervous and feel they have to fill every empty second.
On the link below you'll find a training series focused on how to feel at ease socially, even if you tend to overthink today. It also covers how to avoid awkward silence, attract amazing friends, and why you don't need an "interesting life" to make interesting conversation. Click here to go to the free training. See if there are any facets of the situation you can get handled by yourself. After all, you can't totally control your partner, but you can choose how you respond to them.
First, ask yourself if there any parts of your partner's behavior you might be able to accept by changing your attitude towards them?
Things You Need To Know About Dating An Awkward Guy
You accept that because your spouse has a less social personality that they're never going to be the party animal you sometimes wish they were. You realize you worry too much about how other people may judge you for your spouse's interests, and that you need to accept that it's fine if he wants to talk to people about them. You realize you're a bit too critical of other people, and one symptom of this is expecting your partner to be perfect in social situations.
After some introspection you realize you're actually fine with your spouse's quirks, but up until now you've been unconsciously acting on values you picked up from your parents about how people 'should' act. Next, is there anything you can do on your own to adapt to your partner's social style? If you resent your shy, homebody boyfriend because you can't meet anyone through him, is it possible you just need to get better at finding new friends on your own, instead of expecting to form your social life around people he introduces you too?
If your spouse is sometimes awkward at parties, is there a way you can respectfully and politely warn other people about him in advance, and tell them the best way to act around him?
He doesn't realize when he's doing it, and actually appreciates it when people stop him and point it out. Of course, you won't be able to accept or adapt to everything about your mate. For that you'll first need to Some of you have already done this step. However, it's just as likely you've kept your feelings close to your chest, or you've only expressed them through the odd little comment.
Having a more open or straightforward discussion can be easier said than done. We all naturally want to avoid potentially tense or awkward conversations. We don't want to hurt their feelings. We try to tell ourselves our concerns aren't that big a deal and not worth rocking the boat over. If something bugs you enough though, you've got to get it out there sooner or later. To talk about compromising a little more, this is especially something you'll need to do if your partner just has a different social style than you.
There's no preference towards socializing that's better or worse than another , so you're not really in a spot to insist they change to meet your standards. However, if you're both able to compromise you may be able to work something out that's a lot more mutually satisfying than what you've been doing to date.
For example, if a woman likes going to bustling parties, and would love her boyfriend to come with her, they might agree that it's only reasonable for him to accompany her to at least some events, and to make an effort to be chatty while he's there.
Dating socially awkward man
However, in return she'll acknowledge how draining he finds it, and she'll be okay with him ducking out after hours with a reasonable excuse. She'll then be able to stay as long as she wants, and he'll pick her up later if she doesn't have another way to get home. Also, he'll be given a few days each week where he can chill at home and do his own thing. I've already talked about accepting, adapting, and compromising, now what about when one partner has legitimate issues they need to work on?
What if they admit they want to do something about their stifling shyness, or shaky conversation skills? Social skills are something people mainly have to work on by themselves, so the first thing you can do is just be supportive as they do that.
Cheer on their little victories and milestones. Be there to listen if they need to vent after a frustrating experience. Show through your actions that you still love them despite the fact that they're not socially perfect. It's also possible they may ask for your help.
You need to tread carefully here. They come with an inherent power imbalance. Your partner may not appreciate being thrown into a role where they feel they have to perform to your standards, and you get to evaluate and critique them.
They may not be able to deal with the idea that you disapprove of some aspect of them and are constantly on the lookout for it. If your relationship is strong on the whole, and they're open to being taught by you, you can consider it, but err on the side of caution and let them approach you first. If your partner is open to you helping them there are three things you can do. You can help educate them, you can give them feedback and advice on how they come across, and you can assist them while they socialize in the moment.
Assisting with their education may be as simple as recommending a book or website. If you're up for it, and feel qualified for the task, you could also explain aspects of socializing to them. For example, if thinking of things to say comes easily to you, you could tell them how you manage to keep your conversations going. An example of giving feedback, which also involves some teaching, may be, "At the party last night, when your co-worker asked you how your art lessons were, they just wanted to hear a quick summary.
They weren't expecting you to talk to them for ten minutes about what last week's class covered. Of course you want to deliver any feedback in a warm, supportive way, and not come across like some impatient Little League coach who's waiting to pounce on their every mistake. If you're out with them, often it works better to just enjoy the event, and debrief about what could have been done differently later on.
They'll feel under less scrutiny and pressure that way, and you won't be disrupting their vibe by pulling them aside every half hour.
You can directly assist your partner by helping them get into conversations, or by taking up the slack if they seem to have run out of things to say. If they're feeling shy, and again, if they're open to it, you can gently encourage them to take more risks. Let the other person talk!!! As I talk about in another article, I don't think there's anything wrong with seeing a counselor. The piece I just linked to is about how someone could see a therapist for help with their own social issues, but the basic ideas also apply to the non-awkward partner, or couple making an appointment.
There are clear benefits for the awkward partner seeing someone. They can get support and guidance while addressing their issues. They may be more open to working with a neutral professional. If you're both wondering whether they meet the diagnosis for a condition like ADHD or Asperger's Syndrome, your partner can be properly assessed to clear that question up.
If it turns out a diagnosis does apply to them, they can then get further direction. It's necessary to mention that counseling isn't something you just send another person to so the therapist will "fix" them for you. The person attending has to be motivated to change for themselves. Counseling can also be a big help to the non-awkward partner. You can talk to someone about the frustrations you're experiencing on your end.
You can get some of your questions answered. You can learn more effective ways to be supportive. If you have social issues yourself, you can tackle those. Third, it could be useful to see a therapist as a couple. After all, what you're really dealing with here is a relational problem. A counselor can help you resolve it, and strengthen your relationship in other ways.Anti Social - A Modern Dating Horror Story - Comic Relief Originals
Seeing a counselor is one way to go. There's also the group therapy route. This is also something that you or your partner could access, or which you could do together. There are treatment and support groups for Asperger's Syndrome and Social Anxiety Disorder, as well as general social skills training classes. There are support groups for partners of individuals with various conditions. There are also therapy groups for couples. Your partner's social difficulties may be a lot harder to tolerate if the relationship as a whole isn't in the best shape.
They may even become a stand in for all the other resentments you have towards them. This takes half of the discomfort factor out of the mix. I just went out to have a nice night and it happened rather accidentally. Awkward dater, this could be your happy accident! Contrary to popular opinion, ditch the wingman or wingwoman when you head out.
For one, if you bring an outgoing, extroverted friend, there is a good chance they might steal your thunder. Second, friends can be a distraction.
Your friend is there to get smashed and blow off some steam from a bad day at work. This can end up as a total fail on the dating front, with you spending most of the night babysitting your drunk friend, and not getting the chance to chat to anyone.
Or, conversely, they might egg you on to the point where you get distracted from the goal and end up getting too drunk to speak to anyone coherently. Unless you are both there for the exact same reason, you might want to head out on your own so you get a real opportunity to shine, and stay on track. The best way to go about it is to brave an event on your own. What matters is getting out there.
You know what else matters? WHERE you go… which brings me to my next point…. Great, go see one, then mingle at the bar with people who also enjoy opera. Join a running group, then catch up over quiet conversation at a coffee shop or pub.
Getting out of your comfort zone is hard. The aim here is to get your socially awkward self comfortable with dating long term. So while going to a place you like might not be new, the going alone bit and chatting will be. Most dating advice is geared towards extroverts and outgoing types, so it makes dating for the socially awkward person a nightmare. The best advice is not to take that advice, do what feels right for you: Check out this hypnotherapy MP3 designed to help someone feel more confident on dates.