Everything I do or say must be because of my background, and anything different is exotic or foreign to them. Being from the first generation, and having a huge Afghan family and network, I feel like I have a pretty good idea of the current state of Afghan-American relationships. Most people my age are ditching the traditional arranged-marriage and are trying to navigate the dating scene themselves wear a helmet bachem. This is by no means a be-all, end-all guide to dating in the Afghan-American world. These examples are not all-encompassing. But it goes a little something like this:. Compromise is about to be your middle name.
Lets start with love of parents for their kids. Afghan parents love their kids as much as any other parents. Sometime the kids see this but most time its as invisible as ghost to them. At one point or another it is triggered. The parents accept the kid's spouse regardless who and what race they are just as they accept the kid. Parent's learn to accept their kid's decisions as they learn to accept the kids themselves.
Afghans value community highly as a result they will come to value you to become part of their kid's life. So my friend that is the good news. You need to know what you are getting into. Think clearly, look at your options.
If the guy is really important to you, and you really love him and care about him and value him then you won't have too much problem overcoming obstacles. The same goes for him, if he really really likes, and is deeply in love with you, then you have nothing to lose. If its the parents rejecting you or it maybe anything else.
In reality how many hours a day are you really going to be spending it with the family, how many days a week will you be with them. Maybe once a week, max, and the longest maybe like 4 hours. There is no more concern in marrying a Afghan person with a good family, then a marrying anybody else in your own ethnicity or out of it with good parents. The advice I an give, if you do decide move forward with your relationship. Have a healthy relationship with the parents, if even that means keep your distance.
For the best answers, search on this site https: Being afghan, I know that many parents like to gossip about people who marry non-afghans, and especially if they end up separating. You won't know what they think of you until you meet them so hopefully that's soon. As for the guy, I don't think he's embarrassed or ashamed of you, he's probably stressing a lot and worrying about what his parents think.
But of course, I don't really know what it means. The divorce may have some effect on what they initially think of you, but it shouldn't matter once they get to know you - hopefully they like your personality. I hope your relationship goes well. I can tell your serious, or you wouldn't be learning dari: You can't just go off insulting someone for using dari in their question. She's not trying to steal the language or anything, chances are she's excited about the little amount of dari she knows Keep it up, M: And fyi, "muslim" isn't a language How I wish Ahmad Z the one from Afghan is wrong.
But I experience the same. Eventho I am a Muslim a sunni just like him I have the same difficulty when I popped the question. He even come up with a crazy idea of having a kid out of wedlock because he detested the arranged marriage idea but to him having that kind of marriage is the only way. But that is forbidden in Islam. I know the heart wants what it wants but think this through. Understand their culture then decide. And don't convert to Muslim because of him. It'll make things worst. This Site Might Help You.
Hi dear, I am also an afghan man, let tell you the things that no one has told you yet. Also the other thing is that you have two kids and no afghan family accept a woman with all her kids for their son. It does not matter if you convert or not, but it really matter if you are afghan or not?
I am afghan; because we are not allowed to get married with any girl from defrent country, so most of the men are trying to just play with the girls, but when they are asking some question for the men the men are starting to tell defrent stories.
So my advice is Think again. Do not do a mistake that you regrate later. The man usually makes the first move.
This guide from here https: Tao of Badass is definitely for each guy in the world that will not to seduce a woman. Related Questions What should I expect in dating an Afghan guy and how can I make his parents like me? Dating an Afghan guy: What sort of problems should you expect dating a guy whose parents are very hippie-ish? I married an East African man our shared beliefs have been essential in keeping our marriage together. And even so, we have had different cultural interpretations of our shared faith, which has made for some difficulties.AFGHAN DATING By Hazaragi Channel
I doubt we would be together today if we did not share those common believes and values. If he is "progressive" in beliefs and behavior now, is he likely to continue after marriage?
What do you know about his native culture, particularly in relation to things that would affect you and any children that might result? Are there things in his culture that you cannot accept? And if so, does he share your view of those things?
I could not have married him if I hadn't been sure that he opposed FGM strongly. I am not a feminist in the sense most people understand that word, but I could not have accepted a man who believed females were of lesser value than males In regards to religion and values: If you do not share them, how would possible children be raised?
If living in his country, how easy or difficult would it be to maintain your own beliefs and life accordingly? Are you willing to conform to some of the cultural or religious values either out of respect for him or for your own safety. How would his family accept you? If they did not accept you for whatever reason could you live with that? How would that affect possible children? Are you of the same religious beliefs?
Because I have never personally known a successful long-term relationship that was both international and interfaith between western nations and predominantly Muslim nations. A shared culture can smooth a lot of edges where beliefs differ; shared beliefs can smooth a lot of edges where cultures differ.
I would be wary. Before everyone jumps all over me with success stories, I certainly don't mean it can't happen I just mean that if you're looking at the potential for strong differences of beliefs and strong differences of upbringing and strong differences in ideas about lifestyle ideals you're looking at a lot of things that need to be evaluated through a neutral, realistic lens that is hard to achieve when feeling a little infatuated. It's possible you'd mesh well, who knows Hey, OP, can you go over to PaP?
There's someone there asking the exact same Q - you could compare notes. The only thing you owe to others is to behave with integrity. Originally Posted by Liquesce. My short answer is no. How important is his family to him? You said he only talks to a couple of siblings, but how important is their approval?
How old is he? How long has he been non-practicing? The Muslim religion creates the basis for their culture and has more of an impact than anything other than tribal dynamics. A more complicated answer I think that in the end, you need to honestly judge him as a person. How does he feel about gender roles? How open is he to other religions? How does that work with your own beliefs? Are you willing and open to change? Sarah W is offline.
I agree with what a lot of other pps have said. DH is from India, I am caucasian-American. But we are both Catholic, and our religion is very important to our family, and to our own family upbringing. I think that makes a HUGE difference for us.
Our religious views even among Catholics, which can be very different are almost identical. DH has said to me, he would never have married me, an American from the American culture, had I not come from a strong Catholic family. Since I did, I guess it was never an issue. He didn't tell me that until a few years after we were married! I'm sure it's not true for everyone, but in our case religion was more important than culture. Or maybe I should say that our culture is heavily affected by our religion?
Since our religion was the same, cultural differences were more minor. I've never posted on this particular board before, but I saw your question and had to reply DH grew up in Iran and moved here when he was about 21 he's 45 now. As far as cultural differences go Our upbringings were actually pretty similar in the important ways Religion-wise, neither of us is particularly strict about religion, which I think is why it works out ok.
It also helps that we have pretty open-minded families that didn't think our relationship was an issue his mom was just happy that he was finally getting married! I would not have pursued a relationship that my family was against. We share the same careers we're both PAs , which I think is great. It gives us a lot of common ground. I'm not saying that there aren't difficulties with a relationship like ours Some things DH has experienced I cannot relate to at all. And sometimes DH is so bossy and stubborn that I could just scream.
Whether that's part of his culture or part of his personality, whatever. I love him, he loves me, our families are happy, it all works. Originally Posted by samy Okay, I'm writing here as a mostly "traditionalist" type Muslim woman here, American, started practicing Islam as a teenager my own choice, hadn't even met a Muslim before in my life at the time and married to a Syrian immigrant dh met in college.
I have frequently counseled American converts to Islam about marrying men from other countries. I have seen people who have lived here for years and are still yet to become acculturated.
What is his immigration status? If he is not a permanent resident or citizen, don't bother. I have a close friend in a very bad situation now because her dh got deported 3 months after they got married.
She was, of course, already pregnant. Don't get me started. What is his socio-economic level? IME, only people who are brilliant academic scholars or doctors, lawyers, engineers, etc. Again, I know this sounds horribly judgmental, but I have seen too much. Yes, there ARE exceptions, don't get me wrong, but IME, the vast majority of those who are here as lower-class laborers or people who perpetually can't finish their degrees for one reason or another, should be avoided.
What many people also don't realize is that in Muslim countries, the governments tend to have a pseudo-Soviet style way of channeling the best and brightest people into higher-value careers. So if a guy is here and he's not in a higher-value career Again, a generalization but a good rule of thumb I tell people all the time is to use their potential DP's academic and work history as a real telltale sign as to their suitablility.
Don't accept excuses like "well, something happened and 10 years later I still didn't get my Master's. I know there are exceptions to this, but I am sorry to say that most of the people who come here who are "still believers but not really practicing" are scumbags.
What this woman wants
I know this is a big generalization but I have seen and heard too many stories. Maybe they were raised in really conservative settings and they came here to rebel. They don't go to the religious centers because they know they would be shunned there. They have a tendency to get drunk a lot. Again, big generalization I know, but I've seen waaaayyyyy too much of it. This is another "don't get me started" topic, but it is common in Muslim countries as well as with expats here.
In this respect I would be more afraid with Afghanistan than other countries.
Dating a guy from afghanistan
These people don't know Arabic, so they tend to invent really strange "religious" rules that actually are not part of Islam. I know this sounds depressing, but again, I must stress, as an American married to an immigrant, as a Muslim woman, and as a person who spends my time in circles with many immigrants and crosscultural relationships, I have seen A LOT. Umm Zaynab, I was glad to see your post. I was thinking many of the same thoughts but tried to keep my post to my own experience and not get too deeply into concerns about a specific country or religion.
But those are similar to observations I've made sadly. I had a friend recently who I was soooo glad didn't continue with a relationship because he was the kind of man you described who was "religious", and demanded strict behavior from women, but for himself felt free to carouse.
And he was encouraging her to go to Dubai with him. I was extremely worried for her and her young daughter. This happens in any religion and it's certainly something to be very careful of.
I have seen it among Christians as well, and dh saw it in folk of every religion in his country. A lot of times it is related to cultural expectations, sometimes not. Originally Posted by UmmZaynab. It's not that the stay-at-home-parent gets to stay home with the kids. The kids get to stay home with a parent. Wow you have given me plenty to think about! In reply to a few questions: He does seem very family orientated, he has told me he loves his family and misses them dearly, and would love to have his own children someday soon.
He is in contact with his family back in Afghanistan, but it is limited to email and letters I believe he said.
I don't know if he sends any money to them, I didn't ask if they are poor and need his financial help -probably need to have known him a little longer before I can ask that type of question without seeming rude. He is the less strict of the type of muslim I don't remember whether that is the shiite or sunni one, but being the less strict type is better for my situation not being muslim myself right?
He knows I was raised Christian, all my family are strict Christians, but he doesn't think that matters, he wants to meet my family whenever I am ready to introduce him to them Ofcourse I'm worried they will be forever angry with me for dating someone of a different religion, but that is my choice and I really think once they get to know him, his religion won't matter as they should hopefully like his personality as I do.
Im quite pleased he has a religion, since I was raised in a religious family, sure it was 2 completely different religions, but imo it is better for me to find a religious man than an atheist etc.
We have both been raised in religions. We haven't talked about me converting to Islam. He hasn't brought it up, maybe I should ask him if he hopes that will happen in the future, because I definately would not want to. I also need to know how he feels about if he plan to have children someday, if he would want them to be raised as Muslims, because again I wouldn't want that.
He has been living over here for 8 years. I don't think If I married him I would be marrying his family as someone said, because he only has a couple of siblings over here that he sees regularly, the rest of his siblings and parents are all in Afghanistan -so we wouldn't be seeing them unless they came over to visit. He has mentioned he doesn't have any intention of going back to Afghanistan. I am unaware of his immigration status, I wouldn't know how to bring up that conversation?
If he has been here for 8 years, he must be allowed to be here? I don't worry about it being a case of him wanting to find a woman to marry so he can stay here, because if that was true surely he would have been married by now? Educationally, I think he finished high school in Afghanistan just before moving here. And since being here he has been in college studying the English Language -he hasn't progressed much in several years, but it must be really difficult having to learn another language, and when his friends mostly speak his native language aswell.
I think he said he has been doing the same 1 year course, for the last 3 years.